Tarnished Silver's Journal
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| Sunday, December 24th, 2006 | | 7:19 pm |
I'm Home
Well, I live in Berkeley, but Austin will always be my home. I never knew how true that was until I flew in last night. Anywho, I'm in town. If any of you would like to hang out with me, drop me a line. I'm here until Wednesday night. Just email me at byronthedeadpoet@hotmail.com or reply to this post. Happy Holidays all. | | Tuesday, November 7th, 2006 | | 3:36 am |
I am so fucking plastered
Okay, so I recognize that I am really fucking plastered right now, but that really doesn't matter to me. I am posting, let's leave it at that. I have come to a conclusion. I am Cullen, and nothing anyone can say will change that. I am who I am, and honestly, I think that is really fucking cool. I could spout some crazy gibberish about how the world is what it is, or that I am drunk so I understand a lot more about the world than the average sober person, but what it really comes down to is that I am a person with thoughts and feelings and my own personal perception of the world. I have made choices, no matter how stupid or kiddish or insightful or true, I have made all my own choices that have led me to this point. Whether I believe in myself or angels or demons or fate or destiny, I am exactly where I expected to be. Someone might say that I screwed up, whether they look at who I dated or looked at the choices I have made, but they would be wrong. No one could have made different choices around the decisions in my life if they were in my shoes. I am who I am, and I am glad that I made all the choices that I have made that have constituted who I am in the outcome. People spend so much time thinking about what they could have done in their life that would have made it better, for one reason or another. I am just glad that I can still type as well as I can while I am this drunk. No matter what other people say, about what they could have chosen to do differently in their own life, I am satisfied with my own decisions, to whatever end they may bring about. Now, I may look at this tomorrow and think that I am totally on crack, but whether or not I understand is okay. I am happy and healthy and have no problem admitting that I am here because of the choices that I chose for myself. I am single and satisfied with that. I am employed at a video store and fine with that. I may never wake up tomorrow, and I am blessed to have all the time that this world has given me. I may have spent the time on playing video games or watching movies or drinking, but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have done anything differently, mostly because I wouldn't have had a choice. And anyone could judge me for who I am, but I would smile upon them and wish them well, if only because they couldn't do the same for me. I wish the world could be wholesome and gracious to all of those who live in it. BUt I know that everyone must find their own niche. Find yours and my all of your days be joyous and more sober than mine. If you wish it. Peace out my ninja. P.S. thank god for the spell checker. | | Saturday, August 5th, 2006 | | 7:36 pm |
fuck it, I can't think of a ironic or witty subject. Bite me.
Well, I have written, well much of anything in a long while. A few emails, a little ranting on my lab-top, but nothing gritty, nothing that makes my skin hum and my heart race. But hell, I'm suddenly in the mood now, so if you want something more kosher, read the side of salt container. Man, I am such a fucking Aries! Though pour from me, all the fucking time about where I am in life, what I should or shouldn't be doing, what kind of person I am, and whether or not I should be looking for a girlfriend and will that make me happy. And my answer resounds through me like a two ton hammer on a three ton anvil. BRING IT ON, ROBIN!!! I WANT YOUR FUCKIDOL!!! I worry way the fuck too much. I feel hollow inside from all my fears and all much doubts and all the powerlessness I feel in my life. Well guess what world?! You can't make me you scared little man bitch! I'm tired of this shit, and I am not going to stand for it anymore. I have my own rules, and I am going to live by them. I have my own wants, and I am going to desire them all the fuck I want. I am going to read up on the history of Japan, because I dig it. I am going to write about Cyberpunk bad-ass or vengeance against unfathomable odds because I fuck love that shit. I am going to watch all the movies that I can stomach because nothing sings to my soul like the hero saving the day and getting the girl. I am going to play all the video games my mind with handle before it turns into luke-warm cranberry jello, because I am a button mashing fiend! And if I find a girl that I love and who will love me back, I am going to move mountains with the passion that brims within me. Live is worth it, love is worth it, and I am worth it too, goddess fuck damn it all to hell! And I can't wait to find the next pansy ass little shit who will look down their cobber tone, fuck dixie cup nose at me for want everything I want in life, and going for it, balls to the fucking wall. By the time I'm done with that fool, he/she/they/it won't be able to sit for a fucking year, I'll have ass raped him/her/them/it with my beliefs and my ire and my fuck resolve until he/she/they/it won't be able to tell the difference between cream of wheat and corn on the cob. Bring it on world! Let me tattoo a big fucking bulls-eye on my chest so you know right where to aim, because nothing you can do with ever, ever make me any small, any weak, or any more timid than I can make my self. And I am through with that shit. So do your worse! I'll run the streets crimson with my vengeance! | | Monday, January 23rd, 2006 | | 5:36 pm |
In 5...4...3...2.. Ah, make that 5867438593...5867438592......
Okay, talk about your ego busts. As some of you know, I am planning to move up to San Fran with Wilson and Colin. I had everything in order. Turned in my two weeks notice at work, informed my landlady more than a month in advance, told my parents, and all that jazz. I was planning on kicking it in Oragon with Jenny, close friend and the only ex-girlfriend I am on good terms with, for a few months while Colin and Wilson amass capital for our new place. I had my bus ticket and everything. Then, out of the fucking blue, our general manager, BJ (why any parent would force this name on their child is beyond me), comes up to me and says, "Is there anyway you can stay for another month?" At first, I brush it off, thinking that he is joking. After he brings it up again, ON MY LAST DAY, I figure, okay, he is serious. But, hey, I was rearing to go and about to leave, so I figure, well, tell him the offer that I couldn't refuse and he will probubly shake off the offer and it will be all good. So I tell him, "Pay for me to pospone my bus ticket, increase my pay to $10.00 an hour (15% increase), pay my rent for the extra month that you want me to stay, and make me a general manager, and I will stay until the 20th of Februry." Well, considering the crap that has been going on and their trouble with labor costs and the like, I was expecting what I got at first; they tried to compremise. So I suck to my guns and full expected to be leaving. All in all, they would have been giving me something like $800 extra dollars for another month, and I could totally understand the owners saying no. But low and behold, they didn't. They agreed. So, anywho, to all those whom it may concern, I am going to be around in Austin for another month. It won't be nearly as fun as hanging out in Oregon, but my cost of living will be the same, and I will just have more obligation to take care of and get hell o' paid for it. So, for those of you who want to see me, just give me a ring. I'll try to squeeze you in, so long as it doesn't overlay my work schedule, or interfer with Smallville. Peace out my ninjas. Current Mood:  pleased | | Friday, May 6th, 2005 | | 1:17 pm |
Well, I am online for the first time in a while, so I am curious, as I have been so many times in my life that have gone me into trouble, and I decide, "Why not check out Seph LJ? Just see how she is doing." Well, a few post down I find one purticularly interesting post. It begins as follows: "I just found out the guy I dated right after Marco and dated until January, whom, whether I've admitted it in the past or not, I really, really cared about....maybe even loved, is now seeing someone else, and has been for a while." My rebutle is simple. WTF, mate? Okay, one, if I am seeing someone, will one of you let me know. This is fucking news to me! I haven't even gone on a date with anyone, let alone am seeing some one. I haven't contacted Seph to even tell her what is going on in my life, so I am all the way around confused as to how she even got this piece of completely false information. I am not seeing someone. I am not dating anyone. The only thing that I could think is even close is the fact that I am going out of town in a few months to visit on of my ex-girlfriends who I haven't seen in like six years. But we aren't dating. I have tried the long distant relationship thing, and we had a hard enough time dating when we lived on opposite sides of town. We have both come to the conclusion that attempting to maintain a relationship from opposite sides of the country is a little more difficult and thus not even worth trying. Now, yeah, if we were living in the same town, could see each other on a regular basis, and both decided that our own lives could be benefited by going out, then maybe. But that isn't the case. I don't think I am ready for any serious relations right now, and she has expressed the same thing. I am going to have a vacation and spend some time with a good friend who I haven't seen in years. Other than that, outside of work and like two female friends that I see maybe once every several months, I have no idea what Seph is talking about. If she or someone could explain the situation to me, I would appreciated it if someone would shed some light on this whole thing. Current Mood:  confused | | Thursday, April 7th, 2005 | | 9:52 pm |
In some ways, it is strange. My situation, that is. I feel both out of touch with life and somehow more in touch with it then ever. I sit in my dad's study, remembering the old days, and suddenly fucking realize that I have "old days". Days when I was young and innocent. Days when sex, lies, half-truths, misheard words, misinterpreted feelings, and fear didn't rule my life. It seems that with the years I have walked from that day to this, I have grown; physically, stronger, larger; mentally, understanding the dynamics of study and comprehension; socially, learning the unending dance of pair bounding and break ups; fear, learning to second guess my every move to see if I am going to screw it up; mistrust, wondering if I am reading into a girl's actions a little too much, trying to grasp whether or not the tone used means that I will be single tomorrow; needy, thinking that I am going down hill and soon won't be worth it, so I better get what I can, while I can, for as long as I can get it, because something else won't be coming along. In the end, I have grown in too many ways. I feel distant, like my own personal biology and cerebral synapses are running my life, not the cognitive sentience that I have felt grow out of me in the last ten years. And somehow I can't help but feel like this is my fault. I feel like I have somehow subdue a large part of my cognitive decision making capabilities so that I could inexcusably hamstring myself into a sub-average existence without getting any flack from my higher brain functions. But in the end, I look at my life, who I am, what I can be, what I think I should be, and I have decided to give up the ladder. I am who I am, and I can choose what to do with my life, not try to achieve gross misconceptions of what I need to be in order for people to like and love me. I can find the way to be satisfied with myself, whether I am writing a novel, spending most of my free time playing video games, or enjoying my job. No one has the right or the knowledge of where I am going to be in a few months, let alone the coming years. So if any of you fuckers want to judge me on that, take you fucking best shot. If I decide to beat the world record for most body piercings, or if I decide to become the living manifestation of my wolf spirit animal through reconstructive surgery and body art, or if I want to spend the rest of my life on the street learning the heart-ships and hard knocks of homelessness, or if I want to go one to be the best writer in the world, no one in the world has the fuck right to tell me what I can and can't do. You don't like it? Blow me. I am finally finding the strength to be me, and I'd like to see you stop me. Peace. Current Mood:  thoughtful | | Sunday, February 6th, 2005 | | 8:08 pm |
Well, I am at my dad's right now, and when I leave, I should have everything I need in order to get my laptop wireless. So, chances are pretty good that I will be doing a lot more of these in the future. For those of you who don't know and do care, Seph and I broke up. I suppose the best way to put it is that basicly want things her way until I got sick of it and said that I didn't want her in my life anymore. She was just way to clingy, even to the point that I, the idiot who is infiniately patient with girls who hurt me terribly, just go tired of it. I lost my faith in our relationship, my trust in the situation, my naive perception of her, and gain enough personal strength to just say enough was enough. I don't need someone in my life who is everything I want only when it suits her purposes. I don't want someone in my life who only wants me when she thinks she needs me, and expects me to still feel the same about her no matter what. I don't need someone who will through hissyfits and have anxiaty attacks when she doesn't get things her way. I want someone who has similar interests as me. Better yet, I want someone who will take interest in what I am interested in because I am interested in it. I want someone without the doom and gloom metality, who knows what there are ups and downs to life, and that the world won't end if she doesn't get her way. I want someone who is in a relationship with me because they want to be, not because their socialiality or emotions mandate it. It took me months to figure out that Seph was never going to be that for me, and it took me months to have the strength and self-assurenance to end it. It wished that Seph would understand that, but things that are outside of my control never go the exact way I want them to. It seems that she is getting on with her life in the only way she knows how. I wish that I could have been a bigger part of my life that she wouldn't just treat me like a stepping stone. But in the end, it was never my decision to make Seph happy, and I still have some latent emotional stigmas to get over before I am okay with the fact that making her happy was never in my control. My life was in my control, and I am seizing it now. I just have one problem. Now that I feel like I can take any direction that I want to in my life, what the hell am I supposed to do with myself? Peace all. Current Mood:  blah | | Saturday, June 12th, 2004 | | 4:40 pm |
| | Wednesday, March 31st, 2004 | | 9:27 pm |
Enrish yea!
My fortune for today: "When friends meet, heart warm." | | Tuesday, March 30th, 2004 | | 12:40 am |
Funny quote
A conversation not to have in bed. "Is it on?" "It's in." "Just push the restart button." | | Monday, March 29th, 2004 | | 1:14 pm |
Lack of Angst . . .
Well, yeah. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and though some of your methods of expressing this have been a little flawed, though I am not pointing fingers, you guys are right; I am off my game. I have been doing a fuggly lot of crazy shit that has been really selfish and not listening to people when I should. My life was off track and I didn't feel like I could just smake my foo and then be back where I needed to be. And it didn't help that couldn't even see that my life was off track as much as it was. But after watching shit go down between me and some of my closest friends really not going to way I wanted it to, I actually started to listen. A lot of reaction to attempt to interact socially have been met with lukewarm to icy response, and that isn't something I want. So, in light of the blocked headness of Cullen, here are my current standings: 1) I am going to start training at Sun Dragon again. I will be building my own classes by inviting in people, training with them, and eventually starting my own class where I teach and get paid. 2) I will be doing odd jobs for Alonzo; landscaping, painting, construction, and whatnot. I will help redo the building that will be his training area also, and train there. 3) I am training to hang out with people again, with Seph not attached to my hip. I hung out with Joseph last night, the first time I had actually just hung out with him, and it was totally cool. We talked about music and crazy relationshipness and did Fruityloops stuff and it was just cool. 4) Seph and I are putting our relationship on hold, mustly because of my crap. I have many different relationship issues, dealing with not just us, but how I react to my friends, that I need to work through and it will only be useful if we have space. We plan at getting back together, when things are cool, my life is on track, I am actually maintaining health relationships with friends, and all that stuff and stuff. So that is it for the most part. I am thinking of starting a number of groups for the prospect of hanging out on a regular basis, with my place as base camp. Gun kata, programming, poker, general karateness, maybe a movie night thing, or *cough* Buffy or something. If anyone is interested, I will do my best to be hostly. Just give me a call, I have minutes on my phone again, or post here. So, just for shits and giggles, don't start directly into the potato. Current Mood:  content | | 1:08 pm |
| | Monday, March 22nd, 2004 | | 2:42 pm |
Updating, though none of you will reply
No, you all might, but I have noticed a lack of replies as of late. You all have lives too, I know. But it is nice to hear from people once in a while when it isn't life or death. What is going on in Cullen land? Well, to start, I am working with Alonzo at his house for some money on the side. This will help me out until I have my teaching lined up. On top of that, I may be teaching at Sun Dragon again in not to long here. Tht is all well and good. And to those it may concern, Wilson with be able to use the new space to teach lessons out of. On a down note, I am currently single. This was my doing, in a moment of rash action in which I was trying to manifest an intense feeling of unhappiness. Some times I just don't know how to deal, with my own stuff, let alone someone else's. I ended up just feeling like it was a huge mistake afterwards, mostly because I felt that I had just surcome to a moment of weakness and in turn hurt someone that I care for deeply. I hate to feel that I would cop out of something just because things weren't going EXACTLY like I want them to, and lose something that has made me the most genuinely happy I have been in a long time. I just felt like an ass, and when the smoke has cleared, I just feel like I made a mistake. Now, whether or not we get back together is out of my hands, seeing as I hurt her. I just wish that I wasn't so fucking rash all the time. I just don't my own emotions sometimes. I hope that Seph makes the choice that will make her happy. She deserves that. Current Mood:  tired | | 2:41 pm |
| | 2:36 pm |
| | Monday, March 15th, 2004 | | 3:10 pm |
Hey all
Well, my last real post was the meladramatic crap that I am used to posting here. Just for clarification, I sometimes use LJ as a way to vent and express my feelings, the way any good journal is used. So, if I am just unloading, unless my words involve dire shit, don't take me seriously. If you can handle not going ape shit on me or dropping me from your friends list, props. If not, I will mail you The Stick, with Self Ass Application. Current Mood:  weird | | 3:10 pm |
| | Thursday, March 11th, 2004 | | 1:23 pm |
I don't know whether or not to be freaked out by the fact that my post is already being caught up in the support network I always forget I have. Even if no one has replied yet, it is nice to know that my words are heard. | | 12:59 pm |
| | 12:54 pm |
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